Ready to Say Sorry? Don't Forget to Apologize to Yourself, Too.

You deserve an apology, too. 

I know fighting with someone is hard, and often times we find ourselves apologizing, but we need to remember to apologize to ourselves too.

And here's why. 

Every time we're fighting with someone, we're actually fighting with ourselves. 

Here's an example. 

Let's say someone's talking smack about you. You know what they're saying isn't true, so you're upset, you're hostile, and you're cursing. 

You very nearly hate this person, but this means that you hate yourself too.

Why?

Because on some deep level, you believe what they're saying about you is true. And that's what's actually making you upset. There's something inside of you that's saying maybe people really do see me like this, I must be like this in some way...

And that's when we begin to attack and fight with ourselves, more so than the actual person we're fighting with. 

When you're in a fight with someone you're really saying, "there's something about you, that I don't like about me."

Every judgement or attack statement we make about other people, is a call for love for ourselves.

And we become the only person we're really fighting with. 

So if we're fighting with ourselves, we need to apologize to ourselves too

Here's a shining example I experienced recently. 

I read this insanely good book called The Kind Worth Killing. When I was done with it, it kind of messed with my head and I couldn't stop thinking about how good it was.

When I went to bed that night, I woke up around 2am, and it seemed like all my subconscious wanted to do was play out the book. It got to the point where I wasn't even willingly thinking about the book anymore, my mind was thinking about it on its own.

And I started having these weird nightmares, the ones where you feel like you're awake in your room but you're not really. 

So the entire night I kept tossing and turning from my nightmares, which resulted in my boyfriend's tossing and turning, and from 245am - 5am, I was going in and out of weird sleep. 

Right when we woke up the next morning, I instantly apologized. For good reason! I'd kept him tossing and turning all night because of MY tossing and turning all night. And while this apology was completely valid, it made me feel as though I had done something wrong. 

And I felt bad.

I felt like I hurt him in some way, and messed up his entire night. Some thoughts that followed were: I shouldn't have read that stupid book, I shouldn't have got so hooked on it, I shouldn't be reading scary books anymore.

Attack, attack, attack. And the boyfriend? He wasn't attacking me at all. He'd accepted my apology, and even apologized himself! 

But for me it was like a flood of blame and bad feelings all directed at myself. 

Luckily it didn't take long for me to become aware of it. And while I did apologize to my boyfriend, I also gave myself a little hug and apologized to my SELF too, because what I had forgotten was...I didn't get much sleep either!

I'd completely forgotten that while yes, I had unfortunately kept him awake, I really gave no consideration to myself. I was just as tired the next day, and deserved an apology too (from myself). 

The key takeaway here is, in every situation, you have to remember yourself. 

This goes the same for when you're experiencing anxiety. 

My driving anxiety used to be horrible, but one day I just flat our apologized to myself. I said, I'm sorry for scaring you at stoplights.

It was as though all along, I realized I was the one scaring myself, and the one being scared at the same time. I was doing all the damage. 

So as the one scaring myself, I apologized to myself for making things scary that actually weren't. And in doing so, it was easier to see that the things I was scaring myself about weren't actually real. Apologizing for them made my scared self a little more comforted. 

It's really a matter of us all needing, on some level, to be looked after, to be consoled and comforted.

We need to give a little love to ourselves, so we can get a little love for ourselves.

Where else are we supposed to get it, if we're not giving it to ourselves?

Even sometimes getting apologies from the person we're angry with doesn't feel that great, so we might as well apologize to ourselves for going through it to begin with. Even if you're apologizing to yourself FOR the other person. 

You can say something like, I'm sorry he made you so upset or I'm sorry you had to go through that.  

Try it the next time something's bothering you, you'd be surprised how much better you'll feel!

Also, you deserve it.

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